Fear

I thought  about jumping out my windows tonight, the cold air rushed against my face made my skin shiver.

I wanted to say good bye to it all for it didn’t  matter the existence that sat before me. No one can see the internal shedding  of  my heart as it cries and bleed of pain.

For in a quick moment I could have fell falling to a fast death and tomorrow  would have been no more.

Those that claim to know you only see what they  want, they don’t  care to see your inner bowels, your  wants, dreams, desires for in their minds they have already made their decision  for this is who you are to them.

People won’t  care for what you do but only what you can bring and once they have exhausted your love, your dying breath there you sit feet out the window in fear that  life, your life no longer matters.

A joke of cause is death, for the unfamiliarity of pain is funny, we laugh about it we see fear as a means of growth but yet never question it.

If I was to jump who would ask why? Who would  have regrets for not asking who I am and what I was.

They always say they care for caring is nothing  but an action, it is love, love that conquers all and heals all but we don’t  believe in love anymore.

For we have falling to assumptions  of a different kind, words on a social media page have cause for perceptions of a different kind, a means to tell someone who you may know that you actually know them, how childish have we become to think you  can connect wholeheartedly with someone from a Facebook  page.

Why do we die because we have to, but why do some take their lives because their empty, alone in a dark tunnel looking for a light. A path, a friend, a love.

Happiness  is your own doing, but in a world full of hate only light and love can put weigh it.

I am a loner and for that it’s cold, I wanted to jump tonight but I breath and take it easy for I am loved,

So why doesn’t  it feel real?

I Wonder

I don’t  want to struggle any longer. I have been bonded to the failures  within  my life, not  being  able to succeed and prosper has diminished  my self worth for sometimes I don’t  know who I look at in the mirror.

I asked myself  a question, “What are you worth?” I know I deserve more than my fare share of dead-end employment or mediocre bullshit, yet being stuck in a country where you try to apply yourself only to get rejected has repeatedly cause for me to wonder what if I never  make it.

They, yes they these corporations, these so called people who claim superiority fucked up the economy. They shitted  on the growth  of the  country at a time when I was growing  up still learning  to wonder and imagine my life after achieving  my goals. For years they destroyed our dreams of ever being better then  our parents. For wasn’t  this country build on the purpose  of the “American  Dream” the sole belief that you should  do better than your children’s, children children. How bullshit  is that many are scared of my generation because of their fuckups.

Shame that I am still home looming  over the fact that after a million  applications are sent that if lucky  only one would  return my call giving me an opportunity to do what I paid countless amount  of money  to do that is work to education myself and the growth  of a company  who may be filled with tons of those who have fucked it up  only to say I’m  lazy and entitled  because you want me to fix what you destroyed.

Yeah these failures loom over my head, for I know I wasn’t born into this Earth just to struggle and let my education  go to waste. Nowadays however even education  has become  a corporate set up to weed in students to pay millions of dollars for a piece of paper saying, “hey you have the qualities  to be successful in America, but so does everyone  else and there aren’t  enough  spots for you. Hey, but thanks for all your tuition money to feed our families  and send our kids to elite schools where they will have great lives.”

America, home of the free land of the hopeless, depressed, soulless individual with  hopeless aspirations. Damn for time doesn’t  stop but people surely love to bend it’s will.

I am a failure. For not a failure because of what I did  wrong, but a failure  for being too blind to the ways of the world knowing  they don’t  want me to succeed, knowing I am nothing  more than a threat.

It hurts but the best revenge is to shine, and once again I looked at myself  in the mirror, dusted myself off and said:

“You may have failed, you may have  diminished your worth, but know this you are great and no one can or will stop you…”

Unapologetic

Why should I care how anyone feel about me? For years they have told me that my skin wasn’t  worthy of dreams and aspirations. For years they said that I would never be like them nor will I ever aspire to reach that pentacle of being something  more than just Black.

So I doubted  myself, sat back and wondered if there was something  wrong with me, something  wrong with my reality. For it was blurred lines and sorrow I saw when I begin to think that I myself wasn’t  good enough.

I had to dust myself off, for happiness doesn’t  come from people. The same ones who bash you bleed and breath  like you. They act like they’re superior but the reality is they are nothing  more than scared.

Scared of the power I as a man possess, scare that  this  educated brother  can be whatever he sets his mind to, so they lash our  kill us, blame us, call us thugs, bash  our names into the ground, try to diminish our pride and belittle our self worth just because they cannot be us.

Sad, when can we become unapologetic. For in a world where they say you cannot be you must outshine the naysyaers, the doubters, the media stories and buzzes for hate is but a word but with love only cannot exist.

So no I won’t apologize for my skin, my worth, or my voice. I will continue  to lash out be a free spirit, fist held high yelling at the top of my lungs free at last.

But even freedom  isn’t  free, they tried for years to hide our history in textbooks written by you know those scholars who claimed we should  be okay and over the facts that for hundreds  of years they hung strange fruit from trees, ripped  our beautiful souls open, and told us we weren’t  welcomed here.

2016, the same continues, they try so hard to bring back a history of America that never really hid itself in the first place, shame on them, but you cannot define against a place that wasn’t  made for you.

So instead I stand, we stand. We fight for unapologetically we are a strong  people. I am a strong man and you sister are a strong woman.

Unapologetic I am for if you don’t  like  me, well that’s  your fault now isn’t it…

Confession

I feel compelled to tell a story, a story about a broken human, one who thought he had a perfect love, but failed  to realize that life is not perfect.  This human, this man had forgotten his purpose, his words became flawed for he didn’t  know love, for he didn’t  see the light that stood right in front of his eyes.

Blinded by his comfort, blinded by the ways of life, the ways of the world. He had settled  for a love he didn’t  know, he fell for the one  thing we in this world all want, that being the joys of a connection  with another  for as a human he craved physical,  emotional, mental stability, but again nothing is perfect.

However for he that  comes to him will come to know him. God that light  that came from the  darkness to reveal the truth that this human  tried  to hide. For years he gave not knowing what he was giving. Going with the motions he falsified a relationship for he was broken just as much as she, for he was no better than her for they both have failed.

Too many past attempts trying to fulfill broken  wishes, expecting  this to be great however  as humans they hide behind  their broken  hearts. Neither one knew God but loved him, for the friendship was not established but we loved to confess  things we figured would  push  us further,  but only  God, the main factor could  have saved us. For this human and that human couldn’t  become  one with the perfect human, the father, the king of creation.

Sin is a part of us, we cannot  run from it or hide, have we as humans come to love the darkness so  much that we only reveal  our “truths” come Sunday?

This human, broken  man, loved a broken  woman, yet they were both broken, but if we learn to see the light, open our minds, for once learn  to grow. This man and this woman can begin the process to love again.

And we as humans can learn to give that which  he above has and will always  give us everyday and that is…

LOVE

Educated Consumer

It’s  been weighing on  my heart, these people, our people continue  to feed into the merry go round of media that is the world. We are a flawed society, a lost one not able to find the ways to glory, but  are stuck in the consumer formalities.

We will save money to buy a new pair of Jordans, but won’t  pay bills, feed our children, or give a simple buck to a homeless individual who is in dire need of a meal. Instead like the educational  consumer  we are we continue with our days as if it’s  not our problems.

Wake up call is it our problem, for  don’t  you see God created us in his image for the person  with everything  is no better then the person with nothing.  However have we been bitten  by the consumer snake that everything  looks good, we have been Eve  herself bitting in the forbidden fruit that is society.

It burns my heart to know that everyday, millions  are lost  but never found  because of the newest attractions, a phone, a dress, a marketable  scheme to draw you in  like  a toxic running  through your veins. You’re  a dead person  for your penalty is  death by consumer.

We are not educated but blind. We are constantly  dying, by the blood suckling leeches of those  who won’t  dear admit their past. What is funny is that fame is not granted it’s earned, but  those with money don’t  understand it for its not the root of all evil but the source of it. Money is paper, evil in within. We support those we don’t  know just because it’s  looks nice, or for a compliment.

Yet our young people are killing  each other over material cheaply made for less than a dollar, sold to us at a price unfair. To be exclusive you have to look expensive, that’s what they tell us, so you educate your mind by telling yourself if I get this I will be this.

There is nothing wrong  with liking, but when a like becomes an obsession, one has falling into the gap of the educational consumer.

Reaching Out

Today I feel sick, I threw up my emotions and let  them drip off my lips burning my insides causing me to fall for I am weak. My body can’t  take this barrier for I don’t  know  what to do. I’m  so restless and confused.

I want to reach out but I won’t  allow myself to do it. I know you won’t  reply because your pride is your biggest flaw. It controls  your mind, your heart. Your ego won’t  allow you to love for you have to move forward and not backwards.

The constant lies  we feed ourselves. Our eyes are closed. I opened mine this morning to see a shadow, who is this person standing  there in my dreams, a spiritual entity I do not know. I reach out  to touch but I don’t  feel you. There you float in my room reminding me of moments where I felt more but nothing.

I wish I was never born for I wouldn’t feel these norms closing in on me like  walls in a padded room, I am trying to escape my own personal hell but I keep playing  with the fire. I burned myself too  many times, my finger tips are
scorched, nothing  is right.

I’m  there again speaking  to you. Questions are limited but plenty. Why has this happened  to me?

I opened a book and there a picture fell, there we were happy, the weigh broke me down as a demolition I was demolished. Cancerous cells started to eat my body, the marks became reminders of all my sins.

You, you don’t  see the scars

Emotional barriers  to reach out, but what for? Love, a feeling, or lust.

My fingers won’t dear text those three words, “Can We Talk,” for I know you already have killed me…

Cleaning Out My Closet

Demons tend to haunt me for my past hasn’t been a good one. For years I have blamed myself for the faults of others, yet never looking at the faults I myself had caused. I have been trying to fill a void that was left empty form a place you took from me. I wanted something that could not be fixed for it was broken, the desires that we craved were left with our starving souls to breath heartless and want for something we were still trying to learn.

Years have diminished but the pain is still unbearable for the constant headaches, and restless nights, I dream of past remedies I cannot heal, for this medication is not powerful enough to provide the liquid to make me better for these demons have consumed me. From the dark corners of my hole I wreaked havoc upon others for I myself became my own worst enemy. I slid my wrist hoping to find hope for the blood that dripped was only a reminder of the hurt that I brought on myself.

The devil was happy many times, for people came and went and there I stood with no more tears to cry for my pupils had become dry and I had become a barren wasteland of a human, no one could deal with me, no one would care, for the constant messages and thoughts were kind but the input was never internal. I did not care for I didn’t see myself in the mirror. I wanted to know this pain, I wanted to become one with the demons that ate at my soul daily.

A time came when I needed to cleanse, for I had to find the power to break free. No longer could I deal with this hole for I ran out into the sunlight and became one with the energy of peace, but something still was lost, my dignity, for I had not knowing what to do, my closet was too full of regrets, and pains, broken relationships and turmoil. The Lord grabbed my hand and lifted me up and told me to walk with him, but I wasn’t ready for I was scared to let go of my past, for it was all I knew. I wanted to relive that which was safe. You told me to break free and give it all to you, but how could I Lord when I didn’t know.

I decided to baptize myself, refresh my heart, coming from under the water I felt a new, but still I wanted more for it was not enough to just feel new, I had to understand new. I tired to bring peace to a burning situation for that bridge had already disintegrated. I tired to open the eye of another who had her own demons for I pushed myself to make her see but she didn’t. I tried to work with people who I thought cared but the wouldn’t. This peace was no better then the demons for what was peace if no one was willing to mend the past.

I hated myself again, started to cut and bleed for I found myself alone, confused, and wanting to die. Once again you held my hand and told me to let go, this time I did. I opened up the closet and let free of all the suffering. I let you grow through me like branches on a tree. You bloomed flowers onto me. I am still suffering but am now found, for I am still lost, but now see, there is a void but I’m learning to fill it because the closet is clean and I’m rebuilding is foundation..